Episode 11 - What We Know and What We Fear

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

The gaps in what we know, we tend to fill in with what we fear. And this happens everywhere in life. So much of the time when I'm working with couples, for example, and one partner is really upset with the other, many times it's just because they don't know how to interpret something that was said or something that they did. And once they understand what the other person's intent was, or once they understand what was going on with the person, then all of a sudden it was like, wow, why did why was I so upset by that? Now it makes sense. But like when you didn't, when you didn't send me a card, or you know, for for my birthday, or you didn't, you didn't call when you were running late. Since I didn't know what was happening, what I replaced it with is what did I fear was happening? My fear was that you don't love me, you don't care about me, you're injured, you're lost, something has happened, something bad is about to happen, something is going on that is gonna leave me in a position to be hurt, right? Or I'm gonna lose you, or something, you know, something bad is gonna happen, right? Some kind of fear gets evoked. When we're in a situation where someone doesn't hold a door for us, or uh, or or we see somebody looking our way and smirking. And you know, if we don't know that they're actually looking at another person behind us, we can interpret that as, you know, they're you know, they're mocking us, or you know what I mean? I mean, there's we just we kind of fill in the blanks of what we know with uh what we fear is true. So what I would offer you to think about today, and you know, and this is just kind of a daily thing, is when you find yourself observing something or find yourself reacting to something, ask yourself, am I reacting to this because I don't really know what's going on, right? If somebody is late and I find myself reacting to that, am I reacting because what I what I fear is happening is uh is taking the place of what I know is happening. If somebody is late to lunch and we we react to like, you know, God, they don't even respect us enough to show up on time, you know, or whatever that is, right? Or oh my God, I hope they're okay. Um ask yourself and just observe that and just say, you know what, just because I'm I'm feeling that uh doesn't make it true, right? Just because it feels true doesn't make it true. Where I see this a lot in in relationships too is that oftentimes people will not feel as though their partner cares about them, is present with them, loves them, thinks about them, and uh and that happens oftentimes because the the communication doesn't typically happen very well in in many relationships. And so what is uncommunicated oftentimes is filled in with the fear, right? So I had I had one couple who came in and the um this woman was like, my husband could care less if I exist. And he looked at her and he's like, I love you more than anything in the world. And she's like, but you never tell me that. And you know, he said, I think he he was joking, but he said, Well, I told you that in 74, you know, as kind of a as kind of a joke. But the the point was that he he did absolutely care for her and and love her. But because she didn't know that, because he hadn't communicated that to her, she kind of wrote a story based on her own fears, that he didn't care, and that he didn't love her, and that she was alone, and uh, and and that there was nothing left in their relationship. Now we had to talk about how to communicate better, right, uh, between those, you know, with that couple. But that really illustrates a point that I think is very, very powerful for all of us, right? We we tend to create stories in our heads based on what we fear is true, when we lack the information about what is true. And so I would challenge you to just pay attention to that. And if you start finding, if you find yourself starting to create a story about, oh, well, they don't care, you know, or if they really cared, they would call me, or um, they must, they, they must not like me, or whatever that is, you know, they they don't want to spend time with me, whatever, whatever that is, right? Just notice that, and I would challenge that and just say, you know what, that that is a story I'm creating right now, but that may not be true. It may not be accurate at all. And if you see a person that you're starting to create a story, even sharing that with them and just saying, you know what, this is gonna sound crazy, I get it. But uh, you know, when you didn't call the other day, all of a sudden I was starting to just feel like, oh my God, I just don't matter, you know, or they they don't care about me. And most likely the other person will laugh because they do the same thing too. We all do this, right? And the yeah, and and it's a it's a normal human thing to do, but it it only serves to create more distress and reinforce some of our own fears and insecurities. So if you notice yourself kind of creating a story about something that, you know, that you based on what you fear is true, uh, I would just challenge that and just tell yourself, you know what, I can feel myself reacting to this, and what I'm fearing may be true. And the story I'm telling myself here may be complete fiction. It may not be accurate at all, right? Just to give it a little bit less power. So hope you found this helpful. See you next time.