Episode 10 - Are You the Asshole?

Transcript

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So, are you the asshole? This is Dr. Todd. Welcome to another podcast. And in today's episode, we're going to be answering a very important question. Are you the asshole? Or are you just accused of being the asshole? And uh just fair warning, we're going to be using the word asshole a lot in this. And so if that's going to offend your ears, I would suggest just uh clicking on to the next uh the next episode. There's really kind of two types uh of assholes, right? Those who are accused of being an asshole, right? And those who are acting like an asshole, right? And those two are not necessarily the same. But what's one of the common factors that really exists between the two of them? And what I would argue is our ability to set boundaries. Here's what I mean. If we look at um a dysfunctional family system, right? In a dysfunctional family system, usually there is one person at the kind of the epicenter, this is the black hole around which the family system tends to orbit, who just is not able to um to manage their own emotions. All right. They are oftentimes very narcissistic or uh borderline uh or uh antisocial, who you know people that can be scary, who lack insight, who you know can't really engage in healthy interactions with with others, can't form healthy bonds with other people, and whose emotions are very unstable and unpredictable and can be quite scary. When there is a family system that is orbiting around this individual, right, all of the other family members have to give up some of their own emotional needs in order to um in order to try to manage the emotions of the person in the center, right? It's like, oh, don't say that, it'll make dad upset, right? Or, you know, if you come in late, you're you know how your mom can get, right? It's like we we can't we can't fully be present in our lives and express ourselves because we have to try to maintain the peace. We have to try to keep, you know, keep the person in the middle from flipping out or getting upset or hurting us in some way. And you see this in in domestic violence situations all the time. You see this with families where you know kids are growing up in a in a household where, you know, uh mom or dad has an addiction or you know, a significant mental illness or personality disorder. Um, and you know, it's it's like everyone kind of has to give up their own needs and sense of self in order to maintain stability in that family system, right? And when one person says, you know what, this is bullshit. I'm just not gonna do this. You know what? Dad or or mom has a problem, and you are asking me to give up everything that I need so that I, you know, so that dad or or mom can be okay. And that is just not okay. I have needs too. I, you know, I have a life, right? And I need to take care of myself. I mean, uh, there's a lot of things that I want to be able to do. Uh, and in order to do that, I need to really kind of heal and grow and you know, and differentiate from this family system and and do something better. And what does the rest of the family say about that person, right? They're like, why are you being an asshole, right? I mean, because you're the one who's just disrupting this system, right? This this dysfunctional, soul-sucking system, right, that is depleting the energy out of uh out of the other people in order to kind of maintain stability around this emotional black hole in the middle, and um this toxic individual in the middle. And so the person who breaks with that system starts setting some boundaries, is often the one who is accused of being the bad guy, right? They are the ones who, you know, who are getting blamed and shamed and ostracized and made to feel like the black sheep and all of that other kind of stuff. Because how dare you, how dare you challenge this system? How dare you set boundaries around what you need. Look at look at poor mom or look at poor dad in the middle. You know, you know how much we all need, you know, they they need us. And so we are oftentimes accused of being the asshole when in fact all we are doing is setting is recognizing the insanity of a situation and setting some boundaries and just saying, I am not going to participate in that. And so we can feel very attacked and feel, you know, kind of like, God, am I doing something wrong? I mean, it feels like I'm making the right decision and trying to be, you know, trying to do what's what's right for me and recognizing the insanity of of what's going on and needing to step away from that. And when we do that, we are oftentimes accused of being the asshole when in fact all we are doing is trying to set some healthy boundaries around what we will accept and what we will not accept. And this same phenomenon happens when uh you're in a dysfunctional corporate situation, when you're in a dysfunctional social situation, right? This is why we have whistleblower laws, right? Where people get into this system where all of a sudden it's drifted into this very dysfunctional and chaotic place where really bad stuff is happening, and somebody, you know, finally says, I'm unwilling to do this anymore. This is not okay. I'm setting a boundary and we'll no longer participate. And I'm gonna call bullshit to what is going on here. And what oftentimes happens, there's a retaliation from that toxic environment, right? And this is why we have whistleblower laws, right? This is why sometimes people have to go into into hiding, right, just to keep themselves alive or completely disengage from a family and cut all ties with a family or a society or a group or a cult or any of that. Because once we set boundaries to maintain our own sense of integrity and heal ourselves from the experiences that we had while we were in that toxic environment, we can be blamed. We are made out to be the bad guy, and that is really, really freaking hard. If you've ever experienced that, know how uh know that I know how difficult that can be, right? I know how difficult that can be. Because all of a sudden it feels like people who I thought were my friends now all of a sudden have turned against me. It's like I don't know who to trust, and uh all of a sudden it's like everything that I thought I knew now seems seems turned on its on its head. And there's a real sense of grieving that goes along with that, and a real sense of of hurt and and not knowing who to trust going forward because it's like I went into that situation trusting, and now all of a sudden uh uh something something aw awoken awakened me to this insanity and now I can't unsee it, and now I have to separate myself from it, and and now all of these people who I thought loved me and were my friends or my colleagues or you know my my family members who loved me now all of a sudden seem to be turning against me and targeting me and uh and and calling me the asshole and treating me like I'm the asshole. But what I want to tell you is that if you set boundaries when you're in a toxic situation or an unhealthy situation, and somebody becomes upset with you, then that tells you that you are not in a good environment, and it's good that you set that boundary. If you are, you know, if you are going out on a date and somebody is like, you know, oh, let's have sex right away or whatever, and you're just like, I'm just not quite ready for that. And you just set a little bit of boundary to maintain some sense of integrity, and they don't respond to that well, and they're like, God, why are you such a bitch and blah, blah, blah, or whatever it is, right? It's like that's a good sign that you're not the asshole, right? That that what you were doing is just setting a boundary to maintain some sense of self, some maintain some sense of integrity. And this, again, takes a lot of strength, a lot of courage, and kudos to you if you uh have done that. And uh, and just know that just because you are made out to be the bad guy doesn't mean that you are the bad guy. So let's switch gears and talk about the other kind of asshole who really are kind of assholes. So again, this is based on boundary, but but in a in a kind of a different sense. Good, healthy boundaries are flexible and permeable, right? Um, which means that it's like, I don't normally do this, but you know, it in this circumstance, you know, I'm okay. Let let's, you know, let's go ahead and and do this. I mean, it's like, yeah, typically, for example, I, you know, typically I don't have sex with somebody on the first date, but but in this instance, it's just kind of like things are really, things just really are are gelling and and the chemistry is there. And so, you know, it's like fine, that's that's okay. Normally don't lend money to family members, you know, but in this, it there's a circumstance here where it's like, well, I can be a little bit flexible here, and we'll see how that that goes. Um, you know, maybe it's it's a job where we're kind of like, uh, you know, I I don't know that I I necessarily want to do a lot of you know, kind of consumer-facing things, or I don't necessarily want to know if I'm a lawyer, I want to get into litigation, you know, but but you know, I'm willing to be a little bit flexible there and you know, and and try some things and and be open, right? I mean, that's those those are normal, those are normal, kind of flexible, permeable boundaries, but boundaries that are still intact. Uh when we maintain very rigid boundaries, or I would say when we are very fearful of vulnerability, we will tend to hold very rigid boundaries. And we there is a tendency to use obnoxiousness and self-centeredness as a proxy for a sense of agency. Right. People become obnoxious and say mean things and they just they do all of these things that cut and push people away, you know, under the guise of, oh, I'm just being, you know, I'm just being honest. And if you can't handle me, you know, you know, you need to, you just need to toughen up or whatever. And it's like, no, no, no. Obnoxiousness is is not setting a boundary. And people use it to set a boundary because they don't know how, right? They use obnoxiousness and self-centeredness because they don't know how to be present and vulnerable while maintaining a sense of uh a boundary around what what I'm going to allow in and what I'm not. Because people with healthy boundaries don't really get, you know, they don't get really all that upset about things, right? I mean, it's because nothing feels as it feels like a threat. Vulnerability doesn't feel like a threat because they can they can manage the amount of of vulnerability kind of intuitively. So if somebody asks, asks them, um, and I I'm using this example because this is a very common thing that, you know, it's like, well, when, you know, if if if we're dating, it's like at what point can we get naked and have sex, right? And different people are going to have different opinions about that and different comfort levels with that. And that's that's totally fine. And under normal circumstances, if both people have healthy boundaries, they have the ability to negotiate that, right? And they're like, well, when, you know, it's like this is something that this is something that I'd like that I'd I'd like to do. I really find you attractive. I would love to get naked, right? Um, and the other person can respond, it's like, I like you too. I don't know if I'm quite there yet. Uh, and the if a person has, you know, has good, you know, has good boundaries, it's like, that doesn't feel threatening. And so they'll be like, cool, cool. Let's just, you know, can we just keep that conversation open? And when it feels right for both of us, then we can engage in that, right? I mean, that's that is the kind of conversation that happens when people have, you know, good boundaries. They're not stressed out about those boundaries. I mean, they don't, they people who lack boundaries feel like everything is an invasion. Feel like, oh my God, if you have to feel if you want to have sex with me, now all of a sudden I feel terrified and I've got to put up a wall, right? I've got to push back, or I have to retreat, or I have to shame, I have to use some other tool to get you to go away because I am very uncomfortable with vulnerability. I feel very unsafe and feel like I don't have a sense of agency. A sense of agency essentially means that we have a sense that we have control over the events that happen in our life, right? And so somebody with a good sense of agency would think, oh, you know what? Um, I'm gonna launch a small business and you know, I know it's gonna take a little bit of time, but but I I have confidence that even though there's a lot of unknowns, and all of those unknowns may feel scary and maybe like, oh, can I really make this happen? And I feel like a fraud, and I feel like, you know, everybody can tell that I don't know what I'm doing, and all of those kinds of things, you know, but there's still this sense of, you know what, if I I know I can do it, if I just start taking the right actions and, you know, and and work towards my goal. I know that I can, I know that I can do that. And a good sense of agency within people, right, or between people, is um, you know, looks like it's like, yeah, it it I'm not threatened by the fact that you find me attractive and want to have sex with me, or I'm not offended by, you know, you asking to borrow money. I'm not offended or threatened by, you know, you wanting me to, you know, to to do this other job, you know, because I have a sense of I can uh I have some control over the events in my life and over my experiences. I have some ability to regulate what is happening in my external world. None of those things feel like a threat. It's like, yeah, you find me attractive, awesome, you know, and if you want to have sex with me, it's like, well, you know, I I don't feel find that threatening, but I'm just not just not there right now. And I can communicate that in a way that doesn't uh where I don't need to hurt you in order to shut you down, right? Uh and and the same thing goes with, you know, a a job or borrowing money. I don't need to shame you if you ask me. And I'm like, you know what? I'm just not I'm not comfortable doing that. I love you, but um, but but lending money to to friends or family just has not gone well for me. And I'm I'm afraid of what that would do to our relationship. Uh, let's go grab lunch, right? Is that that is how that would be navigated with somebody with uh with a healthy boundary. Um, but an asshole would be like, you know, uh, what the hell are you asking me for? You know, going loser, go make money yourself, you know. I mean, those kinds of things where there's just, you know, this kind of obnoxiousness, this attacking, this uh self-centeredness, where there's like, yeah, I'd love a lot more money too. You know, why don't you give me some, you know, kind of thing, right? And all of that obnoxiousness, kind of that asshole-ish behavior, usually is a sign. Uh, when you see somebody acting that way, it's usually a sign that they they're very uncomfortable with vulnerability vulnerability and do not have a well-defined sense of agency. And so they they the the mechanism that they use to keep people at bay is obnoxious behavior, is condescending behavior, is sarcastic behavior, is aggressive behavior, shaming, blaming, criticizing, all of that, uh, while really just maintaining, just kind of uh focusing on um themselves and what they need, what they want, and all of this. And when I see this, it makes me sad for them, honestly, because it's like, wow, you don't have the ability to just be present with somebody, do you? You don't have the the ability to be present. You know, you may, you know, you may pretend to be, you know, happy and empowered and all of this kind of stuff, but I know what what goes on at at night when you're sitting there by yourself, uh, and you know, you're you're kind of thinking, God, I just I feel like crap. You know, I I feel alone, I feel like I don't know what to do. The world feels very scary. That and that is if they even have the ability, right, to self-reflect, which which a lot of them don't, because everything is so focused on everybody else and what everybody else is doing, and you know, how you know, always looking for the next threat or next opportunity to take advantage of somebody. The bottom line with this that I just want you to take home today from this conversation about being an asshole, right, is this is all about boundary, right? And there's two really, there's two different kinds of assholes, right? And it's totally okay to be accused of being an asshole when you are in a situation that is unhealthy and you are setting a boundary, you're trying to reestablish your sense of agency, right? You are trying to heal your sense of being able to trust and you know be present and all of that. Because when you are stuck in a unhealthy, dysfunctional system, and it doesn't matter whether it's a corporation, you know, a religious movement, a, you know, a family, there's a there is a loss of a sense of self that happens. There's a loss of a sense of agency because it's like what you want, what you need, you cannot, you cannot go for. You cannot try to try to satisfy, right? And so there's this real disempowerment that happens. And when um when you set boundaries to try to reestablish that sense of agency, it it's kind of like, you know, you're you're throwing a hand grenade in the in the middle of this whole, you know, uh in this whole orbit, right? You're you're the the stick that is not flowing with everything else and causing a lot of friction, and everybody will tend to turn to you, with the exception of maybe some other people who feel the same way, but just have not, you know, had the courage or made the decision for whatever reason, right? Sometimes there are reasons why people are just like, man, this I I recognize the insanity of this, but I I just kind of have to keep going, right? There's no judgment on that. Um, but you know, you you may hear from some of those people when you set that boundary and just say, you know what, I'm really glad that you did that, and kudos for you. Uh, and you know, you You're not the asshole. You're not the crazy one, right? The rest of the people here are. When you set a boundary there and uh and you set a healthy boundary, don't be, you know, don't be surprised if you become the uh uh the object of attack, right? And on the other side is uh people who really do not know how to set healthy, flexible, and permeable boundaries, and so really have a sensitivity to vulnerability and oftentimes have a lack of a sense of agency. It's it's like I don't know how to navigate through, you know, through this whole situation, and I feel vulnerable and I I feel afraid. And so I am just going to engage in this, you know, bitch boss don't need no man kind of behavior or obnoxious behavior or violent behavior in order to, you know, in order to keep myself approximate having boundaries and keep people at a distance and keep myself feeling safe, when in fact, um that's that's really an unhealthy way of showing up in the world. So depending on what kind of asshole you are, uh, you either need to applaud yourself or pat yourself on the back or maybe do a little bit of self-reflection, right? And see if there's uh there's there's ways that you might want to show up in the world a little bit differently and uh and maybe take some risks and let people in and think about what you value and how can you show up in the world where you're just not you're you're just not so selfish and obnoxious and you know and angry and you know uh and just kind of self righteous and all of that. I mean, so much of that behavior really comes from that lack of being able to set and maintain healthy boundaries. So hope you found this conversation helpful, and I look forward to seeing you in the next episode. Talk to you soon.